Well today was another day at work where me and the most recent ex once again pretended that one another didn’t exist. This is now the norm, perhaps I’m getting used to it to some degree. It’s still very painful. I’m still very sad. I still can’t understand how it got to this point. When not even one month ago you still mattered, and literally in a span of 24 hours you became a ghost and a stranger. This is far beyond anything I had ever wanted to endure!! I understand falling in love always involves risk, but this whole experience has been extremely difficult for one to endure. Last night another co-worker and I, who is also a friend I went to high school with discussed another mutual friend from high school. In 2008, this friend committed suicide by hanging himself. To this day the people who knew him growing up knew him as a “class clown,” a guy who always seemed happy and joyful. So the fact that he decided to take his own life still perplexes a lot of people. The reason I have always heard was that it was over some girl!! I couldn’t understand that in 2008. However now, after this most recent situation for me personally, I can’t help but think, “is this what he felt like?? Is this the same type of pain he was feeling when he decided to take his own life??”
I have heard it all at this point. “If you love something (or someone) set it free,” “It’s better to have love and lost,” etc. I don’t know if these old expressions are true statements. In fact it almost seems impossible because every human being is different. Every situation is different, or even unique. In my current situation, it feels like it’s getting worse with time as opposed to getting better. All of the fears and concerns I have had have all become reality!! To go from being someone’s “happiness” to being invisible and irrelevant is not just painful but traumatic!! Being powerless to change it makes me feel very helpless. It doesn’t seem possible at this point for me to get through this, it feels truly hopeless!! I don’t know if I’ll be able to truly love again. I can’t see myself being able to trust again. I’m hurting every conscious moment of every day and what makes this situation even stranger is that I feel guilty and selfish about feeling this way!! I can’t let go, even though the choice has already been made for me!! I’ve got zero passion for life. I’m confused, or in denial, or both!! I understand that I’m not entitled to any sort of closure, no one is. But god damn this was the love of my life!! I don’t know anymore. Never has moving on been so fucking difficult!!
Well here I am, after having my worst fears confirmed, the next thought I have after “what the fuck??” and “how did it get to this??” is “how in the hell do I handle this????” how the fuck do I move on from something like this???? The love of my life, after only two months removed from the end of our relationship, she’s fucking marrying a dude!!!! And since we are still co-workers, everyone knows about it. Obviously getting emotionally invested in an intimate relationship involves risk. Dating a co-worker will always be a much higher risk!! I understand this and have from the beginning. I knew that this outcome was a big possibility, or even likely. I wanted to truly believe “love conquers all!!” But in reality, that’s a fairy tale and a huge myth. I am self-aware, I knew if this played out the way it did, I was not going to take it well. I am a man but I am also a human being. Most guys would not take something like this well. I can’t change it, I can’t go back in time obviously. I know I need to find the strength to work through this. If I can somehow get past this, no doubt I will become a stronger person!! But in the present moment, it certainly feels impossible and very unlikely.
In late October 2016, the former love of my life and I were weeks into our relationship. With her being from Iraq and only being in the States for 3 years or so, the culture differences alone was intimidating at times. Add to the fact that she’s super shy, and introverted, and for reasons I can’t discuss, she’s scared of people and social settings. Not to mention the fact that her first boyfriend and romantic experience was with an outsider, she had a lot of anxiety going on. This led to an anxiety attack, at work!! My co-workers were all awesome that day!! All of them there with her as paramedics were called. Fortunately, I had already been en route and made it in time to ride in the ambulance with her. I sat in the waiting room with her for about an hour, and held her in the examining room, comforting her the entire time. And I wanted to!! I would have waited there with her for days if I had to!! Even though it was a trip to the ER, it was still a once cherished memory. Now however, the once cherished memories have turned into painful, and now it just adds to my grief!! 8 months later, she married another dude!! This is now the reality I face every single day!! She avoids me at work, and it’s as if I am invisible. That fucking hurts!!!! This is by leaps and bounds, the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire existence. When as recent as May 14th, she was interacting with affection towards me. Now, it feels like I may as well be dead!! I don’t nor have I ever felt this has been a malicious and deliberate act on her part. I understand that avoiding me is probably what’s easiest for her. But I can’t help but feel like less of a man then I I do presently.
I can’t believe this is the reality I now face!! I’m in a state of grief, bereavement, and longing. I know how pathetic this is, and I understand that I’m holding onto an unhealthy attachment which is in turn causing my suffering!! I hate myself more and more everyday because of it. But this is how I’m feeling. This pain is very real and very draining!! When you see all of your friends and relatives in successful relationships and marriages, and then you finally found that yourself, only to have it all not only go away forever, but just two months later (after breakup) that same person is now married to another man!! It’s the most emasculating, diminishing, and emotionally agonizing experience I’ve ever been through!!!! I don’t know how much longer I can continue to bear this pain……
Today, Sunday June 4th, 2017 my heart was forever broken. Today’s the day the love of my life married another man. It’s been a little over two months since our relationship ended. As recently as May 14th, she was still coming around, we were still showing each other affection. Now, the worst fears are now agonizing facts!! My worst nightmare is now very very real!!!! When it wasn’t even 4 months ago, she and I were discussing marriage. Hindsight is 20/20. I knew the reality was I would have never been accepted as an outsider. Even though she emphatically stated multiple times that she wanted nothing to do with marrying a Middle Eastern man, it happened and it’s a harsh reality. Subconsciously, I knew that this was coming. But when it becomes your reality, and your totally powerless, it’s a situation that you can never truly mentally prepare for!! People keep telling me, just move on. I get it and I appreciate that simple piece of advice. I have no choice anyway. The hardest part is knowing we’ll never speak again. Even though we still currently co-workers, we don’t even acknowledge each other, as if we are invisible to one another. It has been a very overwhelming experience!! Not truly knowing if she really fell out of love with me or if the pressure and guilt from her family for being with a non-Muslim became too much for her is something I’ll forever wonder about. Never getting closure is tantalizing and another difficult thing I struggle with. I harbor no resentment for her, and I could never bring myself to hate her!! Nor do I have the desire to. I have got enough baggage already!! I’m just sad, heartbroken, and lost. I feel like I just got married and on the honeymoon, my wife died tragically. I know that sounds extreme, but I’m just being 100% honest about it. And so with a heavy heart and a lot of uncertainty, I move on.
I understand that control is nothing more than an illusion. Things happen in life that you frankly can’t prevent or change. As a man I operate on logic and reason. For me personally, perspective is always important!! However, the “little boy” inside of me tends to make me ask the rhetorical question of why?? Out loud to myself!! Maybe it’s because I have never learned how to truly love myself. After all, one can’t truly and unconditionally love another until the individual can truly love himself right?? Maybe I’m really not good enough. Maybe I’m not man enough!! Maybe I’m destined to die alone!! This whole experience has been quite diminishing!! Yesterday, my worst fears were confirmed!! The woman who I wanted to “grow old” with and spend the rest of my life with is marrying another man. We only broke up two months ago, but she’s already marrying another man!! I should in the interest of full disclosure say that none of this has surprised me. In fact, I predicted step by step this end result!! But until it truly becomes your reality, it can’t truly know how it will effect you. It’s truly deflating, diminishing, and down right emasculating!! I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire fucking life. The worst part of all is that I’m totally powerless to do anything about it!! And everyone I work with knows all of this. If I survive this, then maybe I’m a stronger person because of it!! But I don’t see the light at the end of this tunnel.