REMEMBERING OWEN HART (1965-1999)

It was on this day, 18 years ago when the tragic and untimely death of Owen Hart occurred. I’ll never forget waking up the next morning while getting ready for school when the Today Show was about to begin, and while doing their run down for the days top stories I hear “wrestler Owen Hart dies!!” I hadn’t full awaken yet, but as soon as I heard that I immediately turned my head and was on full alert!! I’m of course thinking “what the fuck??” Was he in a car accident or something?? And if he was, why the hell would it be the headline story on the fucking Today Show?? In May 1999, I was eleven years old in sixth grade. By this point I was all about the WWF!! I was a full blown “Mark” as were many others. I knew that the “Over The Edge” pay per view was the night before. My uncle had one of those “black boxes” that gave you free access to the two pay per view channels (highly illegal), so I would get my aunt to record the WWF pay per views on a blank VHS tape (damn I’m getting old). Any way I had my eyes glued to the Today Show as they went on to say that Owen Hart (in his Blue Blazer gimmick) was killed in a pre-match stunt gone “awary.” It was the most surreal thing my eleven year old brain ever had to process!! For those of you who weren’t around or aware what happened, here is a “run down” of the tragic events that took place at The Kemper Arena in Kansas City Missouri. Owen was to make a “super hero” entrance from the ceiling of Kemper Arena. The very negligent decision to use a “quick trigger release” mechanism (on a 230 pound man) was made in effort to make the stunt “look better.” The arena was “dark” while a pre-match video package play on the “Titan Tron.” While hanging, waiting for the cue to drop, the device triggered and Owen Hart fell 72 meters (8 stories), crashing into the southwest corner of the ring. And I’ll never forget watching the event after the fact when right before the Rock vs HHH match, Jim Ross informing the television audience that “Owen Hart has died.” Along with the Benoit “murder-suicide,” this was the worst tragedy in Professional Wrestling!! And Professional Wrestling has had a laundry list of tragedies. Owen James Hart left behind his wife Martha, and two young children (Oge and Athena). Rest In Peace Owen. 

Emptiness 

I really don’t want to be the guy on here always crying the blues. I swear to god I am not looking for anyone’s sympathy, I just see this as the best outlet to get my thoughts and feelings off my chest. To vent, and use as some sort of release. I wish I could simply let all of this stuff just “roll off my back.” I wish that this wasn’t effecting me this way, I hate it. But I’m hurting, I’m grieving, and I’m powerless to change it!! I miss her, I miss her every minute of every day and I hate myself for feeling this way.  I can’t find the drive to do anything, I simply just reluctantly exist. I have zero passion for life, and I’m left with a lot of regret. Empty feelings and no joy, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Now she literally ignores and avoids me at all costs. That’s painful enough. But when you are the love of your life’s biggest regret, the pain almost becomes unbearable!!

Reality Is Painfully Sobering

The famous saying, or a well known saying is: “you can’t help who you fall in love with.” Now I couldn’t tell you who was quoted for this phrase, nor am I going to take the time to Google it. After two months of confusion, I now have the painful answers to the most difficult questions. The woman who I had every intention of marrying and spending the rest of my life with, is from a different country, culture, and has extremely strict religious principles. I was fully aware of all of this eight months ago. Now yes, of course I had some idea of how this was not going to be acceptable to her father and I guess it was pretty naïve of me to think or believe that “If I treat her properly and do right by her, maybe he will realize that I truly make his daughter happy.” Unfortunately, the real world just doesn’t fucking work that way!! No matter how much I made her happy, no matter how much I truly loved her, no matter how much I cared for her, it just didn’t matter in the long run. The guilt and shame that she was feeling for being in love with an American outsider was just way too much for her to handle. He wanted her with a Middle Eastern Muslim man, and no matter how much she protested the idea, she’s now with a Middle Eastern Muslim man. Please don’t view this as any form of racism against Middle Eastern or Muslim men because I promise you that it’s not what I am saying nor is it how I feel. I harbor no hatred for anyone of any kind. I’m in pain. I’m heartbroken. This has been the worst type of heartbreak I have ever experienced in my entire life. I know I am good enough for this girl. But I am truly powerless!! I still love her and I don’t harbor any resentment for her. She avoids me at all costs and I get it. It hurts like hell and I am not sure if I can ever love again. They say that after a break up you should be grateful for the other person, and take it as a learning experience. Maybe one day I will feel that way, but right now I wish I would have never even approached this girl. I miss her so much!! I feel like I just got married and then right after the honeymoon, my wife died tragically!! I am truly in a state of grief!! And quite frankly, it fucking SUCKS!!!!

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart

We have all experienced some type of pain in our lives at one point or another. It’s unavoidable and inevitable. It’s a part of life, without question. They say that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Well I am not so sure that that is really true. The way I feel right now may factor in this unfortunate equation, but I can’t help how I feel. I have never loved someone the way I loved this girl. Since the first time I saw her beautiful face, there was just something about her that I was drawn to!! When we got together six months ago I fell for her fast and hard. She is a Muslim girl from Iraq, so she had never had a boyfriend, or even an intimate experience prior to me. Our first night of talking (which was always texting, that’s her preferred means of communication for many reasons) she was asking me questions like “so are you my boyfriend??” Even though my initial plan was to casually date and naturally let it progress into a relationship, I said “yes honey I am your boyfriend, and glad to be that!!” I won’t lie I wanted that label just as much as she did, but unfortunately with hindsight that was probably a big mistake. I’m about to turn 30 in August. I have way more dating and life experience than she did at 21 years of age, from a country and culture where most married couples didn’t “fall in love” or have the freedom to choose who they were going to spend the rest of their lives with. Obviously, I knew her father wasn’t going to ever accept me no matter how well I treated her, no matter how much I was willing to take care of her, be there for her, love her unconditionally for the rest of my life and her life. The painful reality is, I’m an outsider!! No matter how she felt about me, in this man’s eyes, I was never ever going to be “good enough!!” She had openly expressed to her father that she had no interest in marrying a Middle Eastern man. However, now she’s with a Middle Eastern man. I had to get this painful information through second and third hand sources, and it’s without question the worst heartbreak of my entire life!!!! Even though we have been apart for two and a half months, she would still seek me out at work and we would still show each other affection. That was happening up until Tuesday. Now she totally avoids me, won’t look in my direction, I may as well be a ghost!! I understand that this outcome was very likely from the beginning. I knew when I got into this relationship with her, I was never going to be accepted period. I of course have always been aware that our cultures are completely different and there were way too many obstacles for us to overcome. So I knew giving my heart to her was not only extremely risky, but most likely to end very very painfully!! They say you “can’t help who you fall in love with,” and I still love her more than you could ever imagine, but you obviously don’t really understand the pain of knowing you’ve lost her forever until it happens. The cold and sobering reality of knowing that you have lost the love of your life forever and you are absolutely powerless to do anything about it!!!! It’s a bitch!! Then, you are left with nothing but grief and regret. Life is nothing like the cliche Hollywood romantic-comedy, it’s more like a tragic tale of woe. 

Accepting “What Is”

Ladies and gentlemen who may be reading this….I’m about to state the obvious.

Life is hard!!!! Yes that’s right people.  No matter who you are, where you come from, or what your circumstances are, life can be overwhelming. The ability to accept reality can be a lot easier said than done. Especially if you are dealing with your own personal struggles on top of bad situations that are effecting the people you love and care about most. “When it rains, it pours!!” I can openly admit that I have a bad habit of letting circumstances diminish me, and instead of facing unpleasant circumstances “head on” I use my bad feelings as an excuse to have self-destructive behaviors. I am a human being like everyone else (obvious statement number 2). I have fears, doubts, and needs. I hurt like everyone else. I don’t take rejection well. I tend to have no value for myself and I tend to not put my own needs first. That’s a lot to be honest about!! As I am rapidly approaching my 30th birthday, I would like to think that I’ve learned from past experience’s and have grown as a person. But if I was looking at myself objectively, I would honestly have to say that I have a lot of work to do on myself. Unfortunately, I still haven’t learned how to truly love myself. Nothing will ever change if I don’t acknowledge and accept this fact. As a man, this is not an easy thing to admit. No man wants to admit that they are vulnerable!! No man wants to admit that they’re hurting!! No man wants to admit that they have driven the love of their life away with their insecurities, that’s a very difficult thing to accept let alone admit to!!!! The definition of insanity is “doing something over and over again while expecting the same result.” As hard as it may be, we always need to see things as they are. Not better than they are and not worse than they are. No matter how difficult, we must accept “what is.” When we can’t let go of unhealthy attachments, and obsess over “what was,” we create our own suffering. We suffer when we want reality to be other than it is. 

Confessions of a “lost soul”

As of today it’s been 26 days since i’ve lost the “love of my life.” No, thankfully i didn’t lose her because of a tragedy, although one could argue that losing her love is in it’s own way very tragic. I’ll start from the beginning. I’ve been at my current job for about 18 months, and literally since day one a beautiful girl from Iraq who works in another department had caught my eye. She stood about 5 feet tall, in her hijab, trying to throw the deli trash out into the back dumpster. She was kind of struggling with holding the door open and throwing the garbage out so like a gentleman i went over and held the door for her. Our eyes met briefly and in her very shy and soft tone said “thank you.” I was instantly taken with her, i don’t even know exactly what it was but i was into her. As time went along i would always make it a point to smile at her in passing. Not knowing much about her, only that she’s from Iraq, and of course Muslim, and she’s only been in the states for roughly 3 years. I wasn’t sure if I should have even approached her at all i just continued to smile at her while being friendly. I also made sure that when she was working to be the one who took the supply’s over to the deli whenever we had a grocery truck. It wasn’t until this past October, when she worked for the first time in my department that she really began to notice me. I was on my A game that day. I was funny, charming, and playful and i made it obvious by looking her directly in her eyes, as well as making her smile every chance i could. Then a day or two later she was off work but came into the store to grocery shop. I was walking out onto the sales floor when she was standing there and smiling at me. We said hello, and i really felt her energy towards me. Then about 10 minutes later she came over to the aisle i was working on, she was kind of pacing nervously when i asked her “what’s wrong dear??” She told me that her car wouldn’t start, i said maybe your battery is dead and I offered to jump it. We went out to my car and I proceeded to do just that. We were standing there talking briefly when I stared right into her eyes and smiled for a good 30 seconds or so. She got bashful and started blushing. However, I “froze” and didn’t capitalize on the moment by asking her out. My instincts had told me to go for it but I couldn’t do it, I was so pissed at myself!! However, a few days later we saw each other in passing at work. I said “hey, what’s up??” She replied with “oh nothing, we were just talking about boyfriends.” She saw my reaction as puzzled and thought “oh no I hope he doesn’t think that I have a boyfriend.” She then proceeded to follow me into the break room, that’s when I knew she was wanting me to ask her out, and I did. We fell in love very quickly, she was the best thing that had ever came into my life. We talked about marriage and a future together, she had even revealed a horrible traumatic childhood experience to me that no one (including her family) knew about. Maybe it was irresponsible for me to think and feel this way but it’s how I truly felt. I tried to keep things in proper perspective, there’s a 9 year age difference between us, I was her first boyfriend, and obviously I am an “outsider.” But it didn’t matter to me, I was willing to bear all of that!! I had never truly been as happy as I was when we were able to spend time together. Obviously, being from the Middle East, and a devout Muslim and from a devout Muslim family, there were going to be issues and objections from her family. Mainly her father. Her mother (who is a wonderful woman!!) was nothing but supportive for her daughter’s new found happiness. I had gotten the privilege of meeting her and interacting with her on a few occasions. Her father however, was not even remotely interested in meeting me, which I figured would be the case. My concerns were for her safety and well being. You hear things about their culture on tv or in the news and you can’t help but wonder if something awful is going to happen to someone you love and truly care about because they fell in love with you (the outsider). Thankfully, this man has a conscious, and loves his daughter unconditionally. But as you may have guessed, did not support her new found relationship. The bottom line is however, these outside sources or culture differences and principles did not play a role in the downfall of this relationship. I shoulder the blame, and own up to my mistakes that simply made her fall out of love with me. The reality is gentlemen, when you don’t truly love and respect yourself, no other human being will either!! You can hide your true self for about 90 days or so in a relationship, but at the end of the day, women will see it, feel it, and worst of all, become unsure of you, their feelings towards you, and turned off completely!! Now I’m not going to completely discount the idea of other factors potentially playing a role as well, but when you communicate and expose your weaknesses (as a man), any woman will lose interest and attraction!! I repeat, ANY WOMAN!! It doesn’t matter where they’re from, how much (or how little) dating experience they have, or what religion or culture they come from, women are emotionally driven beings. They emotionally respond to what they respond to!! When you have about 30 years of little self-worth and a lack of self-love and respect, it will be exposed period!! But this one truly fucking hurts!! All I can do now is work on myself. Work on growing as a man, and as a person. The time for change is well past due!!