Today, Sunday June 4th, 2017 my heart was forever broken. Today’s the day the love of my life married another man. It’s been a little over two months since our relationship ended. As recently as May 14th, she was still coming around, we were still showing each other affection. Now, the worst fears are now agonizing facts!! My worst nightmare is now very very real!!!! When it wasn’t even 4 months ago, she and I were discussing marriage. Hindsight is 20/20. I knew the reality was I would have never been accepted as an outsider. Even though she emphatically stated multiple times that she wanted nothing to do with marrying a Middle Eastern man, it happened and it’s a harsh reality. Subconsciously, I knew that this was coming. But when it becomes your reality, and your totally powerless, it’s a situation that you can never truly mentally prepare for!! People keep telling me, just move on. I get it and I appreciate that simple piece of advice. I have no choice anyway. The hardest part is knowing we’ll never speak again. Even though we still currently co-workers, we don’t even acknowledge each other, as if we are invisible to one another. It has been a very overwhelming experience!! Not truly knowing if she really fell out of love with me or if the pressure and guilt from her family for being with a non-Muslim became too much for her is something I’ll forever wonder about. Never getting closure is tantalizing and another difficult thing I struggle with. I harbor no resentment for her, and I could never bring myself to hate her!! Nor do I have the desire to. I have got enough baggage already!! I’m just sad, heartbroken, and lost. I feel like I just got married and on the honeymoon, my wife died tragically. I know that sounds extreme, but I’m just being 100% honest about it. And so with a heavy heart and a lot of uncertainty, I move on.
I understand that control is nothing more than an illusion. Things happen in life that you frankly can’t prevent or change. As a man I operate on logic and reason. For me personally, perspective is always important!! However, the “little boy” inside of me tends to make me ask the rhetorical question of why?? Out loud to myself!! Maybe it’s because I have never learned how to truly love myself. After all, one can’t truly and unconditionally love another until the individual can truly love himself right?? Maybe I’m really not good enough. Maybe I’m not man enough!! Maybe I’m destined to die alone!! This whole experience has been quite diminishing!! Yesterday, my worst fears were confirmed!! The woman who I wanted to “grow old” with and spend the rest of my life with is marrying another man. We only broke up two months ago, but she’s already marrying another man!! I should in the interest of full disclosure say that none of this has surprised me. In fact, I predicted step by step this end result!! But until it truly becomes your reality, it can’t truly know how it will effect you. It’s truly deflating, diminishing, and down right emasculating!! I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire fucking life. The worst part of all is that I’m totally powerless to do anything about it!! And everyone I work with knows all of this. If I survive this, then maybe I’m a stronger person because of it!! But I don’t see the light at the end of this tunnel.
“Speak your truth and accept whatever comes back”
So my friends it’s been quite a long and turbulent (and still is some days) three and a half months!! I had lost the woman I wanted to marry (mistake number one, but we’ll get to that) to another man. I have seen my grandparents, who are 81 and 76 respectively, fall into the worst financial circumstances instead of living comfortably off social security and retirement. Now my parents are facing the likelihood of losing their jobs because of circumstances well beyond their control. Fuck man!! The old saying goes “when it rains, it pours!!” That has never seemed to ring more true in the present!! This is some difficult realities to face. But you know what god damn it, who has ever said that life was fucking easy??!! Life is of course extremely difficult!! And sometimes it’s frankly extremely overwhelming!! We all face negative circumstances, feelings, and vulnerability more often than any of us would like to admit, but it’s how you internalize these situations that will determine your ability to “grind it out” and overcome!! Let’s begin discussing the three biggest life lessons (for me personally) that I learned the hard way (far too many times)!!
- Don’t put anyone on a “pedestal” and never get “hung up” on anyone who hasn’t earned it through their actions!!
- Avoid approval seeking behavior like the plague!! Fuck approval, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone!!
- Never put your own self worth at the mercy of another human being!!
When we get “hung up” on one person who hasn’t earned it through their actions, we develop unhealthy attachments!! As a man, needy behavior is one of the quickest ways to turn a woman off!! It shows weakness and totally destroys the sexual polarity. A lot of us men unconsciously act this way because of our own self-limiting beliefs and irrational fears we developed in childhood. The fact is, when we give someone all of our attention and energy and it’s not reciprocated, then you will create your own suffering!!
Avoid approval seeking behavior like the fucking “Black Plague!!” You must learn and understand that you have nothing to prove to anyone!! Don’t change your own personal values to aqueous to another’s.
Finally, if anyone who does take the time to read this, then this last lesson should be your biggest takeaway!! Never, for any reason whatsoever, put your own self-worth at the mercy of another human being!!!! Don’t make anyone else your “emotional center.” You will end up causing yourself more pain and heartbreak then necessary!! You can’t let others define you!! No one should ever be given that type of fucking power!! Especially if they haven’t earned it through their actions, they just don’t fucking deserve it!!!! As you could probably quess, I have done this far too many times throughout my life. Even now I still struggle with it. Force and control are nothing more than illusions!! You can’t force someone to love you unconditionally, nor can you force someone to remain in your life. Frankly, you shouldn’t want to!! I don’t want or need to waste my time, energy, and effort on someone that doesn’t sincerely want to be a part of my life. The people who want to be a part of your life will want to, and those are the ones you should give the gift of your time to!!!!
Throughout this painful process, this recent breakup, I have discovered something valuable. I have learned something about myself and more importantly, a valuable life lesson!! Pain and heartbreak is a part of life that is unavoidable. Sadness and vulnerability are normal and unavoidable. Perhaps the biggest takeaway from this is that FAILURE is unavoidable!! Not only is failure unavoidable, it’s necessary!! Hell failure is VITAL!!!! The reality of life is that not one human being who has went on to be great at something, or excelled at something, did so without failing at it. Not just failing at it once, not twice, but numerous times!! Michael Jordan, “the greatest basketball player who ever picked up a basketball” (in my humble opinion), failed at basketball. He was cut from his freshman team in fact. Did he say “fuck this it’s not worth it,” no he used it as fuel to get better and work harder!! If you allow yourself to avoid something in life because of the fear of failing at it, you will never know your full potential. Limiting yourself because of that fear would be the true shame. The goal should always be to learn from the failure. Learn and simply try to get a little bit better each day!! It didn’t work out with this girl like I had hoped. It sucks (obviously)!! But the real shame is if i were to continue to allow it to diminish myself, and my own self worth!! I had been willingly giving her that power!! Frankly, she hasn’t fucking earned that, nor does she deserve it!! No one should be given that kind of power!! As wonderful of a human being as she is, as much as I loved and adored her, in the end she chose someone else. All of my worst fears were confirmed. So now what?? Since we are co-workers, do I continue to show up looking and acting like a broken man?? No amount of pitting and self loathing is going to bring her back to me!! So at this crossroads, I have decided that as painful as this experience has been (and continues to be), I will continue to work through it and take this as a learning experience. It’s all about how you show up my friends!! I have chosen that I will NOT act like a “victim,” a “broken man,” or anything remotely resembling someone who’s bitter. This will not define me!! My own personal self -worth will not be put at the mercy of others, and continuing to circulate while putting the work in will lead anyone to achieve a desired result in an ongoing process to personal growth.
“You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality”-Ayn Rand
After finally getting some (much needed, and long overdue) sleep, I woke up this morning for the first time in at least 3 months with a (very mild) sense of peace. No, I am not trying to exaggerate or over-emphasize that statement to add positiveity to my written pieces. After the colossal disaster that was yesterday’s workday, I had finally came to a (brutal but necessary) realization. That realization is, I am a very unhealthy person. I don’t mean that I’m terminally ill or physically out of shape (although I kinda already knew that). I mean that across the boards (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) I am a very unhealthy person. Now, there is a humongous fucking difference boys and girls between knowing something and understanding/being aware of something!! I have always known these things about myself (obviously). But to get to the necessary point and most importantly, the root cause of the issue (or issues), you need to not only understand what these things are, and in addition to knowing the issue, you need to take a very long and “deep dive” (some people refer to it as “soul searching”) into your own mind, remembering (as best and as detailed as you possibly can) your own past experiences. For example: My mother, for pretty much my entire life has told me that “I am my own worst enemy!!” It wasn’t a “shocking revelation” by any means. I knew that already. Hearing truth is step 1. Accepting that truth is step 2. For one to truly accept the reality of your shortcomings or flaws, is not just important, but frankly it’s vital!!!! Because if try to dilute yourself (or bull shit yourself) as some form of a “survival mechanism,” then nothing changes and you have zero chance to grow (as a person, not physically of course). Another thing that I have heard my mother say numerous times is “I don’t know why my kids always insist on learning things the hard way!!” Now I’m sure that this is common for a lot (if not most) people. But I can certainly say that yes, she’s spot on about that fact as it relates to yours truly (Tammy Hanna’s first born son)!! My entire life, all the way up to this very moment as I am writing (or typing) this, even as I am a little over three months away from my 30th birthday, I still continue to “learn things the hard way!!” A few years ago, I had finally become curious enough to try to figure out why I am this way. In other words, I finally began to put the work into learning these things and understanding why I have these issues. Of course like many others, I got complacent (or lazy). I allowed myself to make excuses as to why I “couldn’t continue” putting the work in!! The reality of it is that no “shortcuts” exists!! Especially when it pertains to success and personal growth. Unfortunately, there are so many people who never get to that realization!! A lot of people are truly miserable, but not miserable enough to try to understand why. After this recent experience, it really began to dawn on me that if I don’t figure out the reasons and the meaning of why I think, feel, and act the way that I do, I will only continue to suffer and regress as a human being!! So I have been reading book after book, and doing research upon research in an effort to change and grow. For me personally, my biggest obstacle is fear. Fear of failure, fear of “dying alone,” fear of what others might think or believe about me, fear of “never being good enough!!” These types of thoughts are the ingredients of what is known as “limiting self-beliefs!!” These irrational beliefs are very destructive!! They will consume you, and then they will lead you to make very poor decisions, they’re “self-destructive!!” It’s all about how one internalizes something. The truth is that like so many people, I don’t take rejection well!! Therefore, I FEAR rejection, and then whether I consciously or unconsciously know that I have that issue, in the end, it will come out and it will effect how I am “showing up!!” Instead of putting all of my effort and energy towards something productive and positive, I put it towards hiding and concealing these insecurities!! Suffering comes from wanting reality to be other than it is. We create our own suffering (me especially)!! This is what leads to developing “unhealthy attachments!!” When you don’t love yourself unconditionally (accept yourself), how the hell could you expect anyone else love you?? When you don’t value yourself, you allow others to diminish you, and you become “a doormat!!” When you give your love, energy, and attention away so easily it illustrates and communicates low self worth. People value what they have to work for!! It really is all about how you interpret things. The important things are important because of the meaning that you give them. Don’t change who you are, your values, and your own personal beliefs for anything or anyone!! It’s also important to understand that you MUST always put your needs first!! It’s not being selfish, it’s valuing yourself!! I have been notorious about never putting my own needs first. That turns you into a “super pleaser!!” No one likes a “super pleaser!!” And as it pertains to women, nothing will turn a woman off quicker than being a “super pleasing beta-male!!” ALWAYS AVOID “approval seeking behavior!!” When you feel that you always need to “prove yourself” to others, it’s time for a reality check of epic proportions!! Fuck approval!! You need to prove nothing to anyone EVER!! In closing, it’s time to stop hiding these flaws and instead, start owning and accepting them while continuing to work towards change and growth!! As lame as it may sound, all you really need to do is put yourself out there and speak your truth, and accept what comes in return!! The people that matter are the ones who will always be in your life!! The people that don’t truly want to be a part of your life won’t be, and that’s okay because those people shouldn’t matter anyway. Don’t try to force anyone to be in your life that don’t truly and sincerely want to be there!! Force is an illusion!! Control is an illusion!! Understand that change and growth is an ongoing process. Failure is necessary!! So don’t be afraid of it because the truth is you are going to fail. But failure should not only be accepted, it should be taken as a valuable learning experience!! Allowing the fear of failure to prevent you from taking risks and limiting yourself is the worst thing you could do. Life can end at any time and any point. You don’t want to be on your “death bed” with nothing but a bunch of regrets!!
Preface: I started this website for a few reasons.
1.) I enjoy writing
2.) I (like many) needed a creative outlet to be fully honest about my thoughts and feelings. (As opposed to continuing to “bottle them up”).
3.) I remain as open minded as I can be and like to try new things.
So with the exception of my Owen Hart tribute piece, my content has been strictly about writing very openly, honestly, and genuinely about my thoughts and feelings pertaining to my recent breakup with my girlfriend (a Muslim from Iraq, and a co-worker). I am fully aware that those of you who have taken the time to read my post (thank you by the way) may very well interpret my posts as someone who comes across as bitter, weak/weak-minded, a “whiny beta-male bitch,” and as a “needy male who tends to act more like a female.” I don’t think you’re wrong or even “off-base” if that’s how you see it. I like to believe that I have a pretty reasonable sense of “self-awareness.” I know that like many human beings, I don’t take rejection very well. In fact, I often take it very personal. It has been a long and very much on-going process in trying to grow and change that undesirable character trait. I realize that it’s a major fucking “turn-off!!” It’s submissive, it’s a feminine trait, and no matter who the woman is or where she’s from, or how much dating experience she has, if she’s a woman who is fully in her “feminine energy,” she’s going to be naturally turned-off. She may not even know why she’s losing interest, or what about the guy is turning her off, but women are “emotional beings.” The saddest part as it pertains to my situation is that I was already aware of these facts, and yet because I have always had a tendency to be driven by my fears and insecurities (in other words, I fucking knew better!!!!) I still made way too many mistakes. Here’s what happened today. We both came into work at 7am. About a week ago, we worked together (or we were both working) and the entire time she was clearly avoiding me. And of course, it bothered me, hell it drove me fucking crazy!!!! Our relationship ended two months ago, but for the most part she would still seek me out at work, show me affection (holding hands, hugging, me holding her, etc.). I didn’t read too much into it. She never reached out to me on the phone, there wasn’t any real effort on her part to try to work on the relationship, so really I kind of seen it as her keeping me around as a second option. No one should ever accept that ever!! I feel that it is important to note that I had never, not one time, begged her to take me back or give me another chance. I had never “blown up” her phone. I at least understood that she (like most women) needed to have the time, space, and distance away from me if there were going to be any chance for feelings to develop and for her to miss me. When we ended our relationship, I made it clear that her and I were not going to be “just friends.” I didn’t want the relationship to end, she did. My feelings were too strong for me to ever agree to friendship. However, because I’m a “nice guy,” I really wasn’t sure how to set boundaries. I think (in hindsight) that by allowing her to come to me whenever it suited her to show me a little bit of affection, only continued to show her that I would take her back in an instant. Therefore, she continued to be “too sure” of where she stood with me!! I also communicated that it was okay for her to treat me this way, which shows how little I value myself. The last time we showed any affection to each other was last Sunday (May 14th). Since it had been radio silence, for over 60 days at that point. I fucked up and broke the “no contact” rule. Ever since then she has totally avoided me. I had a discussion with another co-worker who is also a long time female friend who I had went to school with. She didn’t bullshit me and told me that she overheard a conversation with her manager. The manager said that (my ex) is now dating a Muslim guy from Iraq, a guy her parents wanted her to start dating (and most likely marry) even though she had clearly stated that she wanted nothing to do with dating/marrying a Middle Eastern man. So in other words, my worst fears confirmed. Today we were working together for the first time in a week. I am a “key carrier” so I had to unlock and disarm the deli back door. While over there, I yet again fucked up and tried to playfully tell her “Don’t freak out it’s okay, I know why you’re avoiding me it’s cool.” She tried to “play dumb” and act as if she didn’t know what I was talking about. The reality is, she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. She’s not a malicious person what so ever. Her father was never going to accept me period. I’m an “outsider” and he wants her to marry a Muslim man. She is not going to go against her father’s wishes and obviously I can’t relate to her situation. I subconsciously knew that this outcome was all but unavoidable. I really had no business dating her let alone falling in love with her!! We create suffering when we want reality to be other than it is. I have no choice now but to move on with my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because I loved and cared for her more than any other female that I have ever been in a relationship with. I wish that I could turn my feelings off like a light switch, but that’s not reality.
It’s 5:38am and I haven’t slept, yet again!! It doesn’t really feel like the pain is going to get any better. Now I just have so many regrets!! If I knew that the end result was going to be this, I would have never even made eye contact with her!! Now all I have are painful memories, memories that were once joyous and special. I also have a knot in my stomach every time I walk into work. People tell me “I’ll get over it” and “you will find someone better,” among other generic advice. What people do not seem to realize is the love and caring I have for this girl runs deeper than any I have ever been with prior. Now, to know she’s never going to speak to me again and that she’s going to marry someone else, is tantalizing and the worst emotional torture I’ve ever experienced.