“The marks humans leave are too often scars.”
I could go on and on until the end of time about the stigma that mental illness will forever have attached to it, but I think most of you get it. It’s been 410 days (as of today) since I lost her, and yet it still feels as if it just happened yesterday!! I feel that I have at least a reasonable amount of self awareness at this point in my life, so I know that if I have any hope of getting past this, I need to be extremely proactive in getting myself to that place where I can appreciate what her and I had instead of being tormented by what was lost. I still randomly break out in tears because it still fucking hurts that much. I do believe that a big issue here is I’ve bottled most of this up and have really had no “sounding board” or someone to vent with. I mean the whole reason this blog exists is because I needed some way to get these thoughts and feelings out there in any way possible. I wish I had the strength to move forward with an optimistic outlook, but I don’t feel it!! About 10 years ago, an old friend from high school committed suicide. It was stunning to everyone who had ever known him because he was that guy who was always happy and positive. I don’t know all of the details pertaining to why he chose to end his life, but what I do know is that a big factor was because of a breakup. I don’t know if this is what he went through, or if he felt the way I’ve been feeling, but it scares me. A lot of people have the opinion that suicide is a selfish act for one to carry out. I tend to look at it as more of an act of desperation!! Just because someone’s pain is not physical, doesn’t mean it’s not unbearable!! Suffering can take place in so many different ways.
The worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why
I’ve lived almost 31 years, and I can’t explain how or more specifically, how I’m still going!! For most men, the common response to anything negative or traumatic, is to withdraw and retreat to our “man cave” (or bedroom/anywhere we can be secluded). For most of us men, we recover after a few days or weeks of our initial isolation, using the time to think about things and rationalize about whatever the situation is, eventually coming up with a solution to the problem. Granted I’m no expert, and I won’t pretend to be, but trust me when I tell you that I’ve done extensive research on the subject. Me personally, I have long since come to the conclusion that true happiness is unattainable for me. I believe the best I can hope for is reasonable tolerance (of life). I hate to come off as the guy who’s bitching and ungrateful when there are so many others out there who are going through a much worse existence than I am, but frankly I can only share my experiences from my own perspective. That is one of the purposes that this blog serves. I wish I could honestly tell people that I’m strong and resilient, and as painful as losing the love of my life has been, I’ve become a stronger person for it!! However, that’s just not the reality of the situation here!! Maybe I am weak!! Maybe I am sad and pathetic!! Maybe I am just not lovable. I don’t even know what I am anymore!! I didn’t just lose Shams, I lost myself!! I lost any desire and drive that I once had. Nothing brings me joy or pleasure anymore. My sister is about to get married and instead of being supportive and looking forward to her big day, I dread it as I see it as a reminder of what I’ll never have!! All of this makes me hate myself even more!! It continues to eat away at me like a cancerous tumor every conscious moment I have. I don’t really live, I exist!! Admitting this is not something I am proud of, in fact, I’m very ashamed of it!! This is reality unfortunately!! I wouldn’t wish these thoughts or feelings on my worst enemy.
“The marks humans leave are too often scars”-John Green
When you think about masculinity as a man, you think one part of it is being able to either not feel vulnerable, or feeling vulnerable but being able to cover it up or at least not exposing the fact that you’re feeling vulnerable. And since I’m no expert on the subject, there is a high probability that my knowledge on the subject is limited. Contrarily, even the most masculine man is still human. Lumberjack’s and construction workers still have feelings and human emotions!! I don’t even know these days how to really make a true distinction. I try to hide the fact that i’m still sad and vulnerable after all of this time, but I am really starting to believe that it’s coming with a heavy cost!! I don’t know if I’m even fooling anyone!! I put on this front of being somebody who is holding it together with strength, dignity, and an ability to overcome, but truthfully, nothing could be further from the sad and shameful truth!! I am ashamed of the fact that any human being, let alone a female, is the reason I’m so unhappy. Just typing the words makes me want to cry!!!! Making matters worse is the fact that it’s been a little over 13 months yet I still am not even remotely close to getting over this shit!! The pain is not letting up what so ever!! I wake up every single morning and the first thought I have is “I miss her so much and it’s killing me!!” People die from having a broken heart if it’s severe enough. I’ve had one for well over a calendar year now, and it’s almost astonishing to me how I’m even still going!! I’ve shed so many tears the past 13 plus months now. I don’t know who or even how to talk to anyone about feeling this way, so I just continue to bottle it up inside of me allowing it to fester. Call it egotistical male pride, hell i’m sure that’s part of it. But most people in general are able to move on well before an entire calendar year passes!! That’s another thing that I am ashamed of!! The fact that she’s fine and I’m barely holding it together!! I’ve had my heart broken more than once in my life but those instances seem like a trip to Six Flags compared to this most recent one!! We take a risk every time we fall in love with someone, but if I knew that over a year later that I’d still be hurting like this, I would have never even so much have made eye contact with this girl. The worst part is that while I have an idea what happened and why, I don’t truly know for sure and likely never will!! How could you say you love someone more than anything in this world then one month later allow them to walk out of life forever without a moments hesitation?? It all truly feels hopeless, and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to suffer like this.
I am an addict. But worse than simply being an addict, is being an addict with self awareness!! Sounds so ridiculous that I’ve often wondered if I am also delusional!! I know that I make decisions every single day that are likely to have disastrous consequences!! Not probably, but almost certainly!! Why?? If you’re so aware of something, then it’s in your best interest to be mindful of it. Yet I still, consciously, make the unhealthy choice every time!! We can’t be together, yet after all of this time, with so much to lose now, I still don’t allow myself to set the necessary boundaries. The instant she decides she wants my attention, I don’t question it nor do I hesitate to reciprocate her bids for connections. Knowing full well, it’s not going to lead to anything!! I allow her to have it both ways (i.e. I allow her to have her cake and eat it too)!! Not once has she even attempted to reach out, why would anyone allow themselves to be treated this way!! No one can respect anyone who doesn’t respect themselves.
March 18, 2017
That’s the awful date!!!! A day in which I’ll always remember, for all of the wrong reasons!! The ironic side note is that this date is also my grandparents wedding anniversary. They are thankfully still with us, and still together (51 years now!!). I really believed that I had found that same person. The person that I’d spend the rest of my life with!! But sadly, that was nothing more than a naive fantasy on my part!! Just by me typing this blog post tells you I’m not over this!! It’s probably sad and pathetic that it’s still something that torture’s me!! Yet, I’m still hurting!! I’m still longing!! And no matter what’s happened in the last 12 months, I’m still empty. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel like a weak, lost, and emotionally broken little boy!! There are so many issues with me internally that have contributed to who I am and why I’m at this point in my life. Issues that have been there long before I had ever met her. But now, the drive and motivation to resolve them have seemed to dissolve along with the dreams of getting married and starting a family with “the love of my life.”
Today marks day #112 since I’ve lost the love of my life and the woman I wanted to marry. The last four months have been nothing short of an agonizing odyssey!! Allow me to preface this by stating that I knew all the risks involved with getting personally involved and attached to a Muslim woman and a coworker. Subconsciously, the way this situation has played out, I instinctively predicted it step by step. Believe me I take zero pleasure in always being right (pertaining to this situation). The elements at play here are extremely complicated. But the end result, whether I saw it coming or not, has been painfully difficult!! I wish I had used better judgment, but when you fall deeply in love with somebody, it’s hard to not have your judgement clouded. I’ve had to watch her marry another man (not literally but you get the point). From what I can see she seems totally miserable. She had stated that she wanted nothing to do with marrying a Middle Eastern Muslim man numerous times. After doing some research and legwork, I can understand why. But the bottom line is that she did!! I have never hated or resented her and I still don’t, nor do I have any desire to do so. I can’t relate to her, I think ultimately she did it because it was her fathers wishes, and not to mention her religion strictly forbids intimacy unless you’re married. So I imagine there’s guilt stemming from that as well. I’ll never truly know exactly why I lost her, closure isn’t something one is entitled to. All I know is I’m hurting and hurting very badly!! I miss her every day and it’s all become overwhelming!! There are said to be stages of grieving. I don’t know if I’ll truly get past stage one!!
Relationships fail all the time. They fail for many different reasons. People fall in and out of love, things happen. Most of us will at some point experience heartbreak, and in my case, several heartbreaks. This most recent one however, is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. About ten years ago, my engagement and longest relationship (still to this day) ended. I was devistated!! I was also 19 years old. It took a good while, but I recovered and eventually moved on. This one is so different in so many ways!! The love I felt for Shams is unlike anything I have ever felt for any girl I’ve ever dated or fallen in love with!! I loved her unconditionally and very, very, deeply!! I knew all of the risks associated with falling for someone like her. She’s from another country and is a Muslim woman who’s never had a boyfriend prior to me. I knew that her father wanted nothing to do with accepting me period. I knew that was always going to be the case, but when you truly love someone like I loved her, you do the best you can and try not to worry about the things you can’t control. Needless to say however, as time went on I could see it was starting to weigh heavily on her. From the moment she had decided to be honest with her father about our relationship, he wasted no time in voicing his disapproval. It didn’t matter how much we loved each other, it didn’t matter how well I treated her and made her happy. All that mattered to him was that I was an outsider!! I was a “non-believing American, and it’s shameful for his daughter to be with someone like me!!” She always had to look over her shoulder, because if anyone of Middle Eastern decent spotted us together, she was afraid that they would immediately report it to her father. These are all things I can’t control. We broke up in March. It’s now late June and she has just married someone else. Even though she on numerous occasions (including telling her father) stated that she wants nothing to do with marrying one of her own, she unsurprisingly has done just that. We are still coworkers. And in the past week she has been a mess. Having anxiety attacks, and seems very distressed. I still care about her, even though I am completely powerless!! This shouldn’t have turned out this way!! It torments me every waking moment of my existence!! I have never been more depressed, more heartbroken, more grief stricken in my entire life!! It truly feels like this pain will never go away or even slowly become manageable over time. I understand I’m not entitled to any sort of closure. Losing the love of my life this way, is something I’d never wish on anyone!!