Today marks day #112 since I’ve lost the love of my life and the woman I wanted to marry. The last four months have been nothing short of an agonizing odyssey!! Allow me to preface this by stating that I knew all the risks involved with getting personally involved and attached to a Muslim woman and a coworker. Subconsciously, the way this situation has played out, I instinctively predicted it step by step. Believe me I take zero pleasure in always being right (pertaining to this situation). The elements at play here are extremely complicated. But the end result, whether I saw it coming or not, has been painfully difficult!! I wish I had used better judgment, but when you fall deeply in love with somebody, it’s hard to not have your judgement clouded. I’ve had to watch her marry another man (not literally but you get the point). From what I can see she seems totally miserable. She had stated that she wanted nothing to do with marrying a Middle Eastern Muslim man numerous times. After doing some research and legwork, I can understand why. But the bottom line is that she did!! I have never hated or resented her and I still don’t, nor do I have any desire to do so. I can’t relate to her, I think ultimately she did it because it was her fathers wishes, and not to mention her religion strictly forbids intimacy unless you’re married. So I imagine there’s guilt stemming from that as well. I’ll never truly know exactly why I lost her, closure isn’t something one is entitled to. All I know is I’m hurting and hurting very badly!! I miss her every day and it’s all become overwhelming!! There are said to be stages of grieving. I don’t know if I’ll truly get past stage one!!
Relationships fail all the time. They fail for many different reasons. People fall in and out of love, things happen. Most of us will at some point experience heartbreak, and in my case, several heartbreaks. This most recent one however, is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. About ten years ago, my engagement and longest relationship (still to this day) ended. I was devistated!! I was also 19 years old. It took a good while, but I recovered and eventually moved on. This one is so different in so many ways!! The love I felt for Shams is unlike anything I have ever felt for any girl I’ve ever dated or fallen in love with!! I loved her unconditionally and very, very, deeply!! I knew all of the risks associated with falling for someone like her. She’s from another country and is a Muslim woman who’s never had a boyfriend prior to me. I knew that her father wanted nothing to do with accepting me period. I knew that was always going to be the case, but when you truly love someone like I loved her, you do the best you can and try not to worry about the things you can’t control. Needless to say however, as time went on I could see it was starting to weigh heavily on her. From the moment she had decided to be honest with her father about our relationship, he wasted no time in voicing his disapproval. It didn’t matter how much we loved each other, it didn’t matter how well I treated her and made her happy. All that mattered to him was that I was an outsider!! I was a “non-believing American, and it’s shameful for his daughter to be with someone like me!!” She always had to look over her shoulder, because if anyone of Middle Eastern decent spotted us together, she was afraid that they would immediately report it to her father. These are all things I can’t control. We broke up in March. It’s now late June and she has just married someone else. Even though she on numerous occasions (including telling her father) stated that she wants nothing to do with marrying one of her own, she unsurprisingly has done just that. We are still coworkers. And in the past week she has been a mess. Having anxiety attacks, and seems very distressed. I still care about her, even though I am completely powerless!! This shouldn’t have turned out this way!! It torments me every waking moment of my existence!! I have never been more depressed, more heartbroken, more grief stricken in my entire life!! It truly feels like this pain will never go away or even slowly become manageable over time. I understand I’m not entitled to any sort of closure. Losing the love of my life this way, is something I’d never wish on anyone!!
Well today was another day at work where me and the most recent ex once again pretended that one another didn’t exist. This is now the norm, perhaps I’m getting used to it to some degree. It’s still very painful. I’m still very sad. I still can’t understand how it got to this point. When not even one month ago you still mattered, and literally in a span of 24 hours you became a ghost and a stranger. This is far beyond anything I had ever wanted to endure!! I understand falling in love always involves risk, but this whole experience has been extremely difficult for one to endure. Last night another co-worker and I, who is also a friend I went to high school with discussed another mutual friend from high school. In 2008, this friend committed suicide by hanging himself. To this day the people who knew him growing up knew him as a “class clown,” a guy who always seemed happy and joyful. So the fact that he decided to take his own life still perplexes a lot of people. The reason I have always heard was that it was over some girl!! I couldn’t understand that in 2008. However now, after this most recent situation for me personally, I can’t help but think, “is this what he felt like?? Is this the same type of pain he was feeling when he decided to take his own life??”
I have heard it all at this point. “If you love something (or someone) set it free,” “It’s better to have love and lost,” etc. I don’t know if these old expressions are true statements. In fact it almost seems impossible because every human being is different. Every situation is different, or even unique. In my current situation, it feels like it’s getting worse with time as opposed to getting better. All of the fears and concerns I have had have all become reality!! To go from being someone’s “happiness” to being invisible and irrelevant is not just painful but traumatic!! Being powerless to change it makes me feel very helpless. It doesn’t seem possible at this point for me to get through this, it feels truly hopeless!! I don’t know if I’ll be able to truly love again. I can’t see myself being able to trust again. I’m hurting every conscious moment of every day and what makes this situation even stranger is that I feel guilty and selfish about feeling this way!! I can’t let go, even though the choice has already been made for me!! I’ve got zero passion for life. I’m confused, or in denial, or both!! I understand that I’m not entitled to any sort of closure, no one is. But god damn this was the love of my life!! I don’t know anymore. Never has moving on been so fucking difficult!!
In late October 2016, the former love of my life and I were weeks into our relationship. With her being from Iraq and only being in the States for 3 years or so, the culture differences alone was intimidating at times. Add to the fact that she’s super shy, and introverted, and for reasons I can’t discuss, she’s scared of people and social settings. Not to mention the fact that her first boyfriend and romantic experience was with an outsider, she had a lot of anxiety going on. This led to an anxiety attack, at work!! My co-workers were all awesome that day!! All of them there with her as paramedics were called. Fortunately, I had already been en route and made it in time to ride in the ambulance with her. I sat in the waiting room with her for about an hour, and held her in the examining room, comforting her the entire time. And I wanted to!! I would have waited there with her for days if I had to!! Even though it was a trip to the ER, it was still a once cherished memory. Now however, the once cherished memories have turned into painful, and now it just adds to my grief!! 8 months later, she married another dude!! This is now the reality I face every single day!! She avoids me at work, and it’s as if I am invisible. That fucking hurts!!!! This is by leaps and bounds, the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire existence. When as recent as May 14th, she was interacting with affection towards me. Now, it feels like I may as well be dead!! I don’t nor have I ever felt this has been a malicious and deliberate act on her part. I understand that avoiding me is probably what’s easiest for her. But I can’t help but feel like less of a man then I I do presently.
I can’t believe this is the reality I now face!! I’m in a state of grief, bereavement, and longing. I know how pathetic this is, and I understand that I’m holding onto an unhealthy attachment which is in turn causing my suffering!! I hate myself more and more everyday because of it. But this is how I’m feeling. This pain is very real and very draining!! When you see all of your friends and relatives in successful relationships and marriages, and then you finally found that yourself, only to have it all not only go away forever, but just two months later (after breakup) that same person is now married to another man!! It’s the most emasculating, diminishing, and emotionally agonizing experience I’ve ever been through!!!! I don’t know how much longer I can continue to bear this pain……
Today, Sunday June 4th, 2017 my heart was forever broken. Today’s the day the love of my life married another man. It’s been a little over two months since our relationship ended. As recently as May 14th, she was still coming around, we were still showing each other affection. Now, the worst fears are now agonizing facts!! My worst nightmare is now very very real!!!! When it wasn’t even 4 months ago, she and I were discussing marriage. Hindsight is 20/20. I knew the reality was I would have never been accepted as an outsider. Even though she emphatically stated multiple times that she wanted nothing to do with marrying a Middle Eastern man, it happened and it’s a harsh reality. Subconsciously, I knew that this was coming. But when it becomes your reality, and your totally powerless, it’s a situation that you can never truly mentally prepare for!! People keep telling me, just move on. I get it and I appreciate that simple piece of advice. I have no choice anyway. The hardest part is knowing we’ll never speak again. Even though we still currently co-workers, we don’t even acknowledge each other, as if we are invisible to one another. It has been a very overwhelming experience!! Not truly knowing if she really fell out of love with me or if the pressure and guilt from her family for being with a non-Muslim became too much for her is something I’ll forever wonder about. Never getting closure is tantalizing and another difficult thing I struggle with. I harbor no resentment for her, and I could never bring myself to hate her!! Nor do I have the desire to. I have got enough baggage already!! I’m just sad, heartbroken, and lost. I feel like I just got married and on the honeymoon, my wife died tragically. I know that sounds extreme, but I’m just being 100% honest about it. And so with a heavy heart and a lot of uncertainty, I move on.