Well here I am, after having my worst fears confirmed, the next thought I have after “what the fuck??” and “how did it get to this??” is “how in the hell do I handle this????” how the fuck do I move on from something like this???? The love of my life, after only two months removed from the end of our relationship, she’s fucking marrying a dude!!!! And since we are still co-workers, everyone knows about it. Obviously getting emotionally invested in an intimate relationship involves risk. Dating a co-worker will always be a much higher risk!! I understand this and have from the beginning. I knew that this outcome was a big possibility, or even likely. I wanted to truly believe “love conquers all!!” But in reality, that’s a fairy tale and a huge myth. I am self-aware, I knew if this played out the way it did, I was not going to take it well. I am a man but I am also a human being. Most guys would not take something like this well. I can’t change it, I can’t go back in time obviously. I know I need to find the strength to work through this. If I can somehow get past this, no doubt I will become a stronger person!! But in the present moment, it certainly feels impossible and very unlikely.
Preface: I started this website for a few reasons.
1.) I enjoy writing
2.) I (like many) needed a creative outlet to be fully honest about my thoughts and feelings. (As opposed to continuing to “bottle them up”).
3.) I remain as open minded as I can be and like to try new things.
So with the exception of my Owen Hart tribute piece, my content has been strictly about writing very openly, honestly, and genuinely about my thoughts and feelings pertaining to my recent breakup with my girlfriend (a Muslim from Iraq, and a co-worker). I am fully aware that those of you who have taken the time to read my post (thank you by the way) may very well interpret my posts as someone who comes across as bitter, weak/weak-minded, a “whiny beta-male bitch,” and as a “needy male who tends to act more like a female.” I don’t think you’re wrong or even “off-base” if that’s how you see it. I like to believe that I have a pretty reasonable sense of “self-awareness.” I know that like many human beings, I don’t take rejection very well. In fact, I often take it very personal. It has been a long and very much on-going process in trying to grow and change that undesirable character trait. I realize that it’s a major fucking “turn-off!!” It’s submissive, it’s a feminine trait, and no matter who the woman is or where she’s from, or how much dating experience she has, if she’s a woman who is fully in her “feminine energy,” she’s going to be naturally turned-off. She may not even know why she’s losing interest, or what about the guy is turning her off, but women are “emotional beings.” The saddest part as it pertains to my situation is that I was already aware of these facts, and yet because I have always had a tendency to be driven by my fears and insecurities (in other words, I fucking knew better!!!!) I still made way too many mistakes. Here’s what happened today. We both came into work at 7am. About a week ago, we worked together (or we were both working) and the entire time she was clearly avoiding me. And of course, it bothered me, hell it drove me fucking crazy!!!! Our relationship ended two months ago, but for the most part she would still seek me out at work, show me affection (holding hands, hugging, me holding her, etc.). I didn’t read too much into it. She never reached out to me on the phone, there wasn’t any real effort on her part to try to work on the relationship, so really I kind of seen it as her keeping me around as a second option. No one should ever accept that ever!! I feel that it is important to note that I had never, not one time, begged her to take me back or give me another chance. I had never “blown up” her phone. I at least understood that she (like most women) needed to have the time, space, and distance away from me if there were going to be any chance for feelings to develop and for her to miss me. When we ended our relationship, I made it clear that her and I were not going to be “just friends.” I didn’t want the relationship to end, she did. My feelings were too strong for me to ever agree to friendship. However, because I’m a “nice guy,” I really wasn’t sure how to set boundaries. I think (in hindsight) that by allowing her to come to me whenever it suited her to show me a little bit of affection, only continued to show her that I would take her back in an instant. Therefore, she continued to be “too sure” of where she stood with me!! I also communicated that it was okay for her to treat me this way, which shows how little I value myself. The last time we showed any affection to each other was last Sunday (May 14th). Since it had been radio silence, for over 60 days at that point. I fucked up and broke the “no contact” rule. Ever since then she has totally avoided me. I had a discussion with another co-worker who is also a long time female friend who I had went to school with. She didn’t bullshit me and told me that she overheard a conversation with her manager. The manager said that (my ex) is now dating a Muslim guy from Iraq, a guy her parents wanted her to start dating (and most likely marry) even though she had clearly stated that she wanted nothing to do with dating/marrying a Middle Eastern man. So in other words, my worst fears confirmed. Today we were working together for the first time in a week. I am a “key carrier” so I had to unlock and disarm the deli back door. While over there, I yet again fucked up and tried to playfully tell her “Don’t freak out it’s okay, I know why you’re avoiding me it’s cool.” She tried to “play dumb” and act as if she didn’t know what I was talking about. The reality is, she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. She’s not a malicious person what so ever. Her father was never going to accept me period. I’m an “outsider” and he wants her to marry a Muslim man. She is not going to go against her father’s wishes and obviously I can’t relate to her situation. I subconsciously knew that this outcome was all but unavoidable. I really had no business dating her let alone falling in love with her!! We create suffering when we want reality to be other than it is. I have no choice now but to move on with my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because I loved and cared for her more than any other female that I have ever been in a relationship with. I wish that I could turn my feelings off like a light switch, but that’s not reality.
Ladies and gentlemen who may be reading this….I’m about to state the obvious.
Life is hard!!!! Yes that’s right people. No matter who you are, where you come from, or what your circumstances are, life can be overwhelming. The ability to accept reality can be a lot easier said than done. Especially if you are dealing with your own personal struggles on top of bad situations that are effecting the people you love and care about most. “When it rains, it pours!!” I can openly admit that I have a bad habit of letting circumstances diminish me, and instead of facing unpleasant circumstances “head on” I use my bad feelings as an excuse to have self-destructive behaviors. I am a human being like everyone else (obvious statement number 2). I have fears, doubts, and needs. I hurt like everyone else. I don’t take rejection well. I tend to have no value for myself and I tend to not put my own needs first. That’s a lot to be honest about!! As I am rapidly approaching my 30th birthday, I would like to think that I’ve learned from past experience’s and have grown as a person. But if I was looking at myself objectively, I would honestly have to say that I have a lot of work to do on myself. Unfortunately, I still haven’t learned how to truly love myself. Nothing will ever change if I don’t acknowledge and accept this fact. As a man, this is not an easy thing to admit. No man wants to admit that they are vulnerable!! No man wants to admit that they’re hurting!! No man wants to admit that they have driven the love of their life away with their insecurities, that’s a very difficult thing to accept let alone admit to!!!! The definition of insanity is “doing something over and over again while expecting the same result.” As hard as it may be, we always need to see things as they are. Not better than they are and not worse than they are. No matter how difficult, we must accept “what is.” When we can’t let go of unhealthy attachments, and obsess over “what was,” we create our own suffering. We suffer when we want reality to be other than it is.