Day #486 (It’s Sad I’m Keeping Count!!!!)

The word “happy” would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew-Carl Jung

They say it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I can’t say that my experience has allowed me to concur with that assessment!! With the full awareness of who I am, how I respond to situations in life, and my own personal tendencies and “hang-ups,” I fully admit to me being this down and hurt after 486 days falls on my own shoulders, and I accept the blame for knowing how I should (and need) to respond to this situation to enable myself to truly accept it and move forward, yet as you can tell simply by reading the majority of my blog post, I have failed miserably to do that!! It doesn’t help that I still work with this person (my ex.), although I rarely see her these days. But the rare occasions I do, it continues to be a trigger!! I’m ashamed of feeling this way!! It’s pathetic!!!! And then it becomes a cycle of deeper self-hatred!!!! That I would or could allow anyone to affect me this way for this fucking long makes me so disgusted with the man I see in the mirror every miserable day!! I’ve basically isolated myself and pushed away all of my friends and family because of my response to this situation. I’m ashamed of that too!! I don’t deserve the people that mean the most to me. You know, the ones who would NEVER abandon me, EVER!!!! I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around at this point, these feelings are very unhealthy and can likely become very, very, destructive!! You tend to stop caring about yourself, and you look to fill that emptiness with things that you know will potentially end you. However, that’s my burden and 100% placed at my feet. My responsibility!!

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Day # 484 (07/15/18)

If you’re bored or even curious for some reason and you actually read this damn blog post, and you’re curious about the title then clear your schedule because it’s a LOT of ground to cover!! It was October 8, 2016 when I found the love of my life. It was March 18, 2017 (my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary) when I lost her, forever!! Do the math. And I’ll be the first to admit that it’s made me truly vulnerable and broken!! Hell shattered in fact!!!! Yes it has made me weak and probably even more undesirable than ever before, and I’m very aware of these facts unfortunately. I am (and have been since the infamous day) clinically depressed. That depression runs very deep!! I find myself crying like a mistreated child almost on a daily basis (sometimes multiple times per day), I have lost any drive or passion that I had for anything, why?? Because without her in my life, life just feels pointless and hopeless!! I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to love again. In addition to all of these adjectives describing feelings, one can be added to the list, resentment. I never wanted to, desired to, or felt the need to harbor any type of hatred or resentment for her, nor did I believe that I could. But when you are emotionally crippled and feeling so heartbroken and sad that you almost look forward to death, you begin to ask yourself some very real and unnerving questions!! One of my biggest questions is why would she ever have even pursued anything with me knowing her father, her family, her religion, and her culture would never be accepting of her with someone like me???? I don’t know the man, nor will I ever but I can say with tragic conviction that I knew he was NEVER going to give his blessing, EVER!!!! And I knew that before I ever even texted her for the first time!! But (in my opinion) it’s damn near impossible to believe that she didn’t already know the same exact thing I did because she’s obviously way more familiar with her father and county/religious culture than I could ever be. She may have wanted to believe he would eventually come around, but it’s more likely that she knew he never would, therefore, why would you approach a relationship with me knowing that you would most likely end up hurting me?? We all likely have many regrets in our lifetime. But I’m sorry, for me, Shams Mohammed is my biggest regret!! I never wanted it to be that way period, but the god damn pain from losing her and our connection has left me broken!! In ways that I don’t believe can ever be repaired.

It’s Like This….

I don’t want to portray myself as some sort of “victim” or “martyr.” So I feel the need to preface this post with this message. However, I would be wasting my time and ultimately defeating the entire purpose of typing these blog posts (even if no one reads them), if I wasn’t fully and completely honest about how I’m really feeling about everything. So while I do realize and understand why a lot of people would think I’m exaggerating and being over dramatic about certain things, just realize that it’s my point of view and my own personal feelings. I more than understand that my many, MANY flaws and hang-ups influence how I look at situations in my life. I do believe it or not have some sense of self awareness!! Anyway, I’ve been hurting for well over a year now (440 days to be exact). In many ways, I feel like a widower!! I finally, at almost 30 years old, had found the love of my life!! That type of love that is just so rare and at best scarce. The type of love many people unfortunately NEVER find!! The woman I had wanted to wake up to every single morning, and die beside!! The first problem of many was I fell in love with a girl who’s Muslim. That fact alone in hindsight was enough for any average Joe on the block with an IQ in the single digits to accurately predict the painful outcome!! And yes, I realize it was way more than that!! The fact that is the most painful to acknowledge let alone accept is that she didn’t love me anymore!! Women don’t dump or get rid of guys they are totally in love with!! It doesn’t matter where they’re from, what religion they practice, or what their daddy thinks!!!! It’s just reality!! At the same time, after she asked for it to be over, I didn’t “man-up” and set boundaries. So I exposed more weaknesses, and have allowed her to come around me when she felt like it (and wanted attention) and show me affection. Even though I fucking knew better!!!! Even though she still to this very day hasn’t attempted to reach out once!! I’m the one who can’t move on….She’s fine!!!! I’m the one who constantly thinks about ending it all….She likely hasn’t shed one tear!! I understand that the issues I’ve had with self-worth, self-respect, and self-love/acceptance are very much playing a major role in this, and these issues have been there since birth. That’s a Jeff problem!!!! And if there is any hope to move on, I need to change, and resolve these issues. But finding the energy and motivation has been so difficult!! I’m sorry, I do still love her!! I do still miss her!! Even though I’m a fucking moron because the feelings are obviously not mutual!! I can’t let go!! And it’s the worst fucking feeling, and the darkest fucking reality that I continue to wake up to (on the nights I do sleep) every day.

Long Live Owen Hart!!!! (1965-1999)

Thanks to the WWE Network, I can relive my childhood rewatching the old Monday Night Raw’s on demand. I grew up in the “Attitude Era,” during the “Monday Night War” when professional wrestling was more popular than ever before, and will ever be again. Like so many other eleven year old boys at the time, I was obsessed with WWE (or WWF at the time). Watching the Raw from January 11, 1999, there was a tag team match between The New Age Outlaws against Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett. It’s almost surreal in hindsight that it was only four months later Owen Hart would free fall to his death on national television during a live Pay Per View broadcast!! On May 23, 1999, I was an eleven year old sixth grader who knew that this was entertainment and “a work.” But upon hearing the horrific news the next morning on the Today show, a part of that innocence was lost. Now, at age 30, I can surmise the awful situation differently and understand just how awful and heartbreaking this situation truly was for the Hart family. A good human being died from a unnecessary stunt that was poorly planned and negligent. What happened on this day nineteen years ago was one of wrestling’s biggest tragedies!!

Let It Go!!

About a week after my relationship with Shams ended, I was visiting my parents. I stopped by on my way home from work. I hadn’t slept at all, and had been awake somewhere around 35 straight. I was talking to my mother in her living room, then I proceeded to lie down on her couch. I lied there hiding my face, but very clearly balling my blue eyes out. My mother, who knows me better than anyone, and has seen me after getting my heart broken countless times thus knowing how poorly I take these situations, stopped in the middle of whatever mundane conversation we were having, paused, then said “Jeff honey, you have to let her go.” She knows intuitively how my relationships are going to play out, and accurately predicts these things to the point where she almost seems psychic!! I call it “mothers intuition on steroids!!” Of course this was no different. Although upon reflection, it feels like everyone could predict the outcome considering she’s a Muslim from Iraq and I’m some white boy in Virginia (a “non-believer”). I feel like a damn fool sometimes because deep down I knew I was just asking to get hurt knowing I would never be accepted by her family. After I responded by saying “I don’t know if I can” she didn’t know what else to say so she just offered to make me something to eat. It may sound simple and kind of lame but it meant a lot to me. Even though I know my mother loves me unconditionally, she’s not an affectionate or a nurturing mother. She’s a great mother of course, she’s just the way she is. You hear people say phrases like “letting go” and “moving on” and while I know I don’t really have a choice regardless, it’s still something that’s seemed impossible with this one. It’s tormented me for the last 15 months of my life. It’s changed me as a person, and not for the better. It almost feels like I’m a widower. I lost the love of my life and I know I’ll never get her back. It shouldn’t have ended this way, but that’s my burden to bear!!

Don’t Know What “The Right Thing” Is??!!

As things get worse, optimism is the first casualty. It’s been painful for 1 year, 1 month, 25 days, 22 hours, and 47 minuets. 421 days overall!! And you can continue to hide it as much as you want, but when it doesn’t subside at all, but it actually gets worse, sooner or later that mask you wear begins to disintegrate, and eventually fall off!! I don’t have an answer as to why I haven’t been able to move on by this point. In fact, I’m quite ashamed of it!! This is just how I feel and how it’s felt for 15 months now. I know that what people would think about how I “should feel”, and I “should be over it,” but what “should” be and what is are two different things entirely. I worked my ass off to get promoted back to a position I had lost 7 years ago because of immaturity and poor decisions. One would think that I would be satisfied and vindicated, but I’m just totally empty!! What does any of it matter when I don’t have her to share it with!! I would trade anything, any amount of money, any promotion, to have her back in my life!! But this is reality, and that’s not going to happen!!

Feeling Is NOT Logical

Love does nothing but make you weak! It turns you into an object of pity and derision–a mewling pathetic creature no more fit to live than a worm squirming on the pavement after a hard summer rain. -Teresa Medeiros

Shams (my lost love and co-worker) saw me at work yesterday. When she approached me, she took note of my demeanor and then said “you look depressed, why do you look depressed??” I didn’t answer her, practically ignoring the question. I didn’t confirm or deny it but I wanted so badly was to tell her how fucking stupid her question was!! I am not unaware that people are starting to notice things with me. I guess you can only hide it for so long before you stop caring about what you expose to other’s. She is not stupid or unaware of the fact that I’ve been hurting pretty much this entire time!! If I could turn my feelings off then of course I would in a second, but this is real life!! I don’t know anything other than pain, longing, and suffering!! And believe it or not I don’t fucking enjoy it!!!! I’m sorry I can’t be more like her and not care and be indifferent about it. The last 14 months have changed me!! I no longer care about myself or my own well-being. I take no joy in literally anything in life. All I do is hurt!!